Home wasn’t Safe **Possible Trigger**

When I was 10 years old my dad had a New Year’s Eve Party. I was not allowed to stay up late. So, I went to bed at my normal time. My room was upstairs at the end of the hall. The only bathroom in the house was in the same hallway on the left side. I remember waking up to someone lifting my blanket. I was not sure what was happening. I just know that this man was sitting on my bed with his hand in my private area. It seemed like he was in there forever. I thought I was dreaming. But being 10 years old not exposed to sex that would be a far-fetched idea to have a dream like that. I remember the strong smell of alcohol on his breath. The man stopped what he was doing and left my room. But the smell of alcohol lingered and the embarrassment of what just happen stayed in the room. Not sure if the partygoers’ downstairs called his name or if he was just done.
Not making excuses for this person. But I feel that he came in my room by accident. Turned the wrong way out of the bathroom. But the moment he opened my door and realized that was not the way back to the party he should have turned around but he did not. I was also confused how the other guest and even my parents did not realize he was gone and go to look for him.
This man was only in our home once so I don’t remember any details of who he was or even know his name. It left me so confused in that moment. Because my dad demanded respect to adults I was so scared to tell anyone. Would they believe me? Would I get scorned for disrespecting an adult? So, I made the decision not to tell anyone. I kept that secret for many years until the weight of it I could no longer carry.
I was also confused because my body was telling me that these were good sensations that I was feeling. Yet my brain was telling me that this was wrong, That I should feel safe in my home. That I should be able to sleep without being abruptly woken up by a man violating me. This trauma would take many years to begin to heal from. This trauma stole so much of my joy when it came to the holidays. For many years I HATED to celebrate Christmas because I knew NYE was just a week later and there were so many triggers that I had to heal from.
That trauma was 26 years ago. And it probably took me about 20 years to be able to even go out to dinner on that night. I used to pretty much lock myself in the house and not go out until the next day. It was marked as a “bad” day. But I realized that the day was not bad the event was bad. And I just had to work through it. Thankfully with therapy, some awesome cheerleaders and GOD in my life I have been able to be in control of the triggers of that event. It is no longer like a dooms day leading up to that day. When I start to think about that trauma I stop the thought process and tell myself that I am bigger than this trauma and I will not let these triggers and memories control me anymore. It has not been easy, but it has been worth it to continue to fight the good fight.  Take Care Much Love