As far back as I can remember I’ve always struggled with any clothing that was tight whether it be tight around my wrists, tight around my neck even my pants being tight around my waist.
It goes beyond just feeling the tightness sometimes I would have straight out panic attacks A feel of my heart beating out of my chest as a shirt was too tight around my neck.
I now realize that it stems from my sexual trauma. Just feeling that invasion of my bubble. I know it may sound crazy but I’m feeling almost smothered win their shirt is too tight around my neck or I’m feeling panic when my pants are too tight around my waist
There was a moment that was a complete AHA moment for me I’m realizing how much this to hook up my life. When I began working in a hospital as a housekeeper and I would have to wear rubber gloves or wear an isolation gown.
I would find myself in a complete panic just feeling the tightness of the gloves on my hands would cause my heart to almost feel like it’s beating out of my chest it would cause my head to tingle so much. And I realize that I was having these panic attacks because I was feeling restrictive I was feeling out of control having these gloves so close to my skin
This is when I realize how much control my traumas had over me that it would be difficult to wear a pair of gloves ward to wear in isolation down that had that much power over me. But instead of giving into it and not wearing gloves are not wearing isolation gown I tempted myself or challenge myself to take it one step further and wear a size of gloves that were one step smaller than what I should wear just so that that tightness would be on my hands and I could get over it.
It was not an easy process but I knew I either had the choice of allowing my trauma to defined me or refined me and I refuse to have to quit a job or not go by the rules and not wear gloves instead I chose to push through that struggle in to overcome it and I have I’ve worked in housekeeping for over four years now ensure I have moments where I can still feel a little panic but I refuse to let my trauma is defined me.
To God be the glory. Take care. Much love.
